April 18, 2012

I feel like I’ve crawled into a pit. Everything hurts. Everything feels like a chore. I hate lifting my arms because I feel weak. I have trouble lifting the kids, climbing the stairs, cleaning the house, making meals, even washing my hair. I’m always exhausted but I can’t sleep. I started smoking again, too. I have insane mood swings, and fits of rage that feel so uncharacteristic of the woman I’ve come to believe myself to be.

I can’t really play with the kids, and feel like the worst mother. I have a constant low-grade fever, and always feel like I have the chills or hot flashes. One of the doctors said it could be my fever rising and breaking over and over. Fun.

I can’t knit or crochet like before. My hands don’t like to work. If they aren’t just weak, they’re numb, or ice cold, or stinging like cuts of 1000 razor blades. My eyes are so sensitive to light and my vision blurs so it’s hard to read, and I can’t concentrate anyway, so reading has been minimal. My brain feels like mush so I haven’t done any writing, painting, designing.

I feel like I’ve gotten into a pond of self pity and loathing and that I just wade here all day. The handful of friends I had left are tired of hearing me do nothing but complain, and now i feel like I’m being avoided. Even online, which makes me feel like a real winner.

I don’t have much of an appetite anymore, but need to eat so I can keep taking my meds. I’m retaining water, bloated, hurt.

I feel ugly, angry, damaged, ashamed, useless, broken.

I feel broken.

I’m broken.

Please fix me.

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