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I’ve lost 30+ lbs and 25 inches off my total body measurements over the last year!  My goal size is on the horizon!

April 18, 2012

I feel like I’ve crawled into a pit. Everything hurts. Everything feels like a chore. I hate lifting my arms because I feel weak. I have trouble lifting the kids, climbing the stairs, cleaning the house, making meals, even washing my hair. I’m always exhausted but I can’t sleep. I started smoking again, too. I have insane mood swings, and fits of rage that feel so uncharacteristic of the woman I’ve come to believe myself to be.

I can’t really play with the kids, and feel like the worst mother. I have a constant low-grade fever, and always feel like I have the chills or hot flashes. One of the doctors said it could be my fever rising and breaking over and over. Fun.

I can’t knit or crochet like before. My hands don’t like to work. If they aren’t just weak, they’re numb, or ice cold, or stinging like cuts of 1000 razor blades. My eyes are so sensitive to light and my vision blurs so it’s hard to read, and I can’t concentrate anyway, so reading has been minimal. My brain feels like mush so I haven’t done any writing, painting, designing.

I feel like I’ve gotten into a pond of self pity and loathing and that I just wade here all day. The handful of friends I had left are tired of hearing me do nothing but complain, and now i feel like I’m being avoided. Even online, which makes me feel like a real winner.

I don’t have much of an appetite anymore, but need to eat so I can keep taking my meds. I’m retaining water, bloated, hurt.

I feel ugly, angry, damaged, ashamed, useless, broken.

I feel broken.

I’m broken.

Please fix me.

Hells yeah

Day 4 and 5 of Shred 1 done.  I have more stamina, and am feeling (and seeing!) a difference in my body.  So is my husband, and that’s just nice.

We bought me a crapload of new foodstuffs on our weekly shopping trip.  It was expensive, but I think it’s worth it.  I’m down 7 lbs already, and am hopeful that many more will follow.

And it’s really nice to think that my ass is going to take on a shape besides flat.

Happy New Year!

Day 3 of 30 Day Shred, done. I actually had to do it today before I went to sleep because I felt like I didn’t want to lose momentum or progress. If that ain’t new, I don’t know what is.

It’s a new damn year, so I’m going to peel back fifty layers of fat to reveal a new damn me. A better me is in here, and I just have to sweat the bitch out. 😉

There are a lot of other places I would have expected myself to be tonight, if you had asked me ten years ago. Actually, if I’d kept up the pace I was at ten years ago, I wouldn’t be here tonight.

I’m someplace better.

I’m a happily married mother of three. I’m sober, responsible, respectable, lovable. I’m awesome. I’m not just alive, but well on my way to thriving.

I’m happy.

And sleepy. Happy New Year!

Shred, Day 2

Ouch.  Jillian is crazy.

I slept like a dream last night.  I’m down over 6 lbs since I started all this a month or so ago.  Shred Day 2 kicked my ass.  That’s 2 days in a row of self-inflicted ass-kicking.  This is pushing me, I’m feelin’ it, and I know I’m going to be better for it.

I’ll get back into that little plaid skirt again yet.

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