Category Archives: past

April 19, 2012

2 pm. I dreamed of a baby last night. A little girl, looked just like me, but wasn’t being raised by me. It was mine and Matt’s and he and his new fiancee were taking care of her. Maybe it wasn’t Matt’s. But she was mine. Angelica. I was in college again, too. And he (Matt) was kind. All very vivid. All very confusing too. Can’t understand what it all means. Were these all things I’d given up on come back to visit? To tell me what? I don’t understand.

January 13, 2012

12:28 am. Last night River refused to sleep. He cried, fought me, fought sleep, kept waking, etc. Once I heard Mia laughing in her dream – that is always a most beautiful thing to behold. JR slept soundly. Buffle got busted for eating all Femmer’s food on the sly. No amount of coffee got me going today but we at least made it outside for a little while. We managed about an hour wandering the backyard in -10* before the wind picked up and ruined our fun.

We all stood under the pine tree, shaking low-hanging branches. Wueste beat me at WWF again, some shit-talking started. Sasha told me she’s moving back up here, about a 3-year timeline. Amanda got back from Chicago – she’ll be getting a stem cell transplant. I wonder how I can help her raise $ for it. Jessie said she’ll be graduating in May at UAF. I have to try to call Darrell tomorrow. Anjyla wants to try Hyland’s so I’ll have to try to remember to pick some up for her. Michael needs his package, maybe a coat.

I miss Mama, her friendship, her advice, her laughter, her love. I wish my kids could know her.

John is going to Vegas at the end of the month, and his mom is going to meet him there if she’s feeling well enough. I wonder sometimes if Sasha will be moving up just as we’re moving down. We’ll see.

The kids & I were over the moon about John coming home tonight. Things feel complete now, hearing them all sound asleep. I’m surrounded by the sounds of those that love me most.

January 11, 2012

It’s 1:40 am. You’re all asleep. Bedtime has been less of a fight the last few days, since I moved all our beds into the playroom downstairs. I think it feels more like we really “live” in our house now that the beds are down here. I damn near got myself stuck in the staircase under the king mattress. John hasn’t seen it yet. He’s been at work forever with the JD Edwards changeover. Two tomorrows, he’ll be home.

It’s been a good day, most of them are. I only had one meltdown with JR today, over Legos, presumably. I always worry that I’m too hard on him. I hope the love comes through though. Mis “read” Mia & the Too Big Tutu under a blanket giggling to herself. River ran around with a playsilk over his head, giving hugs & waving his arms. JR made awesome Lego ships and watched “Rescue Robots” (Bionicle 3) on the iPad. I talked to Chrissy, Stasia came by, my pain levels were so-so. I finished reading “Bones to Ashes” by Kathy Reichs.

I’m exhausted, but forcing myself to write. I want it written, what our days were like. I worry that you’ll all be grown before I blink. I feel like I need to capture pieces of your childhood, if only for myself. I love each of you in such heartbreaking ways. You’re all damn cute asleep, too. I want to take you out in the snow tomorrow if it’s warm enough.

Whew.

My friend K asked me why I felt so disconnected.  I pretty much blurted all this out, so I guess it needed to come out:

Perhaps I just have a general disconnect with people.  I’m really still in shock about my little sister, and ll sorts of fun emotional stuff is going on now that I’m talking to my other sisters (and biological brothers) again.  It’s got me reliving losing mama, and I feel so lonely and angry most of the time.  I actually think a LOT about a quote you posted a week or so ago, how forgiveness is finally accepting that the past could not have been different.  I’m really trying to make that come alive for me.  There’s a lot I’m angry about, and the resentment isn’t doing anyone else any good, but I haven’t grasped it to let it go yet.

I just spent two weeks in TX and Chicago, visiting John’s (normal) family.  His two sisters are older than us, and I felt more comfortable with them than with John’s old high school friends (whom we see every time we’re there).  The old high school friends of his have kids that are older, they still go out partying, some are having marital issues, and I feel like I have nothing in common with them.  But I don’t really ever socialize with anyone else up here, and the couple of friends I do have in Fbx are pretty flaky hippies that seriously can’t get it together for consistent playdates even.  And I look at my family, and all their freakin’ drama, and I get upset that they’ve dragged me back into it again.  It’s crazy; both of my (biological) little brothers were in jail when Melinda died.  They’re losers, but I feel obligated to be there for them since they don’t have anyone else.  Then there’s my older sister Sandee, who used to be close to me, turned into a psycho bitch that did f*d up things to mama and daddy, and I was happy to be rid of her until recently, when she started acting human again.  It has me wondering if I have my sister back or if she’s just luring me in to fuck me over later, and I hate thinking that about her, but I don’t trust her.  My little sister Tasha is content to stay in an abusive relationship, and the other twin Jessie is knocked up again by babydaddy #4.  I’m weirded out talking to my dad as often as I do because of what he did, but my son loves him so I feel obligated to keep him around for JR’s sake.  I feel like the most stable one in my family, and that’s an uncommon feeling.  I just need to get more sunshine, make a couple more friends, get some distance between me and my issues.

So.  Whew.

Happy New Year!

Day 3 of 30 Day Shred, done. I actually had to do it today before I went to sleep because I felt like I didn’t want to lose momentum or progress. If that ain’t new, I don’t know what is.

It’s a new damn year, so I’m going to peel back fifty layers of fat to reveal a new damn me. A better me is in here, and I just have to sweat the bitch out. 😉

There are a lot of other places I would have expected myself to be tonight, if you had asked me ten years ago. Actually, if I’d kept up the pace I was at ten years ago, I wouldn’t be here tonight.

I’m someplace better.

I’m a happily married mother of three. I’m sober, responsible, respectable, lovable. I’m awesome. I’m not just alive, but well on my way to thriving.

I’m happy.

And sleepy. Happy New Year!

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