Category Archives: sanity

Glimmer

Reaching for my ankles as I do yoga again, I reach down into myself. I feel my muscles stretch, and the shackles of a crippling depression start to loosen. I’ve been held prisoner in this hell, for what seems like forever. I’m still afraid to completely hope for true freedom, but against any better judgment I still hope.

If you asked me to tell you 100% honestly what I thought my life was like three weeks ago, I would have said I was not alive; I existed. My very best days were shit, and I fought _so_ hard to get them, and they were becoming so infrequent that I was forgetting what it was like to have a “good” day.

You see, I am a complex mishmash of problems. A medical conundrum, my doctor has told me. A wreck and a headcase, what I call myself.

But now I have this glimmer of hope, and it’s wonderful, and terrifying, and overwhelming, and uncertain.

Yet so is everything else in life.

Just a call

was all it took to cheer me up today. Was great hearing your voice, old man. Miss you more than you know.

April 19, 2012

2 pm. I dreamed of a baby last night. A little girl, looked just like me, but wasn’t being raised by me. It was mine and Matt’s and he and his new fiancee were taking care of her. Maybe it wasn’t Matt’s. But she was mine. Angelica. I was in college again, too. And he (Matt) was kind. All very vivid. All very confusing too. Can’t understand what it all means. Were these all things I’d given up on come back to visit? To tell me what? I don’t understand.

March 15, 2012

Thursday. 9:47 pm. Freaking out.

I have a neuro consult in AM and am worried he’s going to tell me nothing is wrong. I guess we’ll know soon enough.

 

Symptoms

  • Fibro dx – 2007, positive ANA
  • Low fever/chills, intermittent – July ’11
  • Leg went out from under me  – July ’11
  • Lymph nodes left side, spleen? 06/11. Blood-work said all w/in normal.
  • ESR persistently in 40s
  • Head CT – clean, 9/11
  • Brain MRI – clean, 10/11
  • Allergy testing – no food allergies, 10/11
  • Strep test – negative, 10/11
  • Retrobulbar optic neuritis. Glaucoma-suspect.
  • Numbness/pins & needles – Left arm/hand, Right foot/leg
  • Brain fog – worsening – lose words
  • Extreme fatigue, not better with naps
  • Fibro tender spots more tender
  • Muscle weakness, especially arms/shoulder blades/upper legs
  • Muscle burning, like between bone & muscle
  • Vertigo – 6-months-ish, worsening
  • Uterine fibroids – 06/11
  • pain on top of head
  • headaches, not relieved by nsaids or opioids
  • Weakness in hands, occasional tremor, dropping things
  • Nausea – from vertigo?
  • Nightmares, insomnia, fatigue
  • Thermal instability – too hot, chills
  • Pain worse in heat, even during/after hot shower
  • Crackling/electric shock-like pain down neck/back/legs since 9/11, worse when chin to chest
  • Eye pain, light sensitivity (since 09/11, peaked, retrobulbar optic neuritis) w/pigment desaturation
  • Blurred vision, ringing ears
  • Persistent eyelid twitching, sometimes other parts of face/legs
  • Abdominal pain (left side & gut)
  • Mood swings
  • Always in pain
  • Skin – itching, breakouts, sores? Itchy tattoos.
  • Bruise easily, frequently
  • Sometimes breathing hard, like from cardio but w/o workout
  • Pain on deep inhalation

Could use a hug & a prayer

I’ve had a crappy few months and I hardly ever come out and ask for thoughts/prayers like this, but I’m asking. I could use a hug and a prayer.

It’s been one family crisis after another. My father fell. My older sister called me, told me to come see him, that he was in critical condition & most likely going to die. John took the week off work, we drove 8 hours down to see him, only to get there & be told it really was just a broken ankle. That was emotionally taxing enough, given that I have such a rough history with my dad, but we’re in a great place now. I wound up getting in the last fight I’m willing to have with my older sister & her twin daughters (who are just 6 yrs younger than I am, and were raised to be my little sisters). That & my dad’s ankle kept me full up on drama for weeks.

While we were in Anchorage seeing about my dad, my husband’s boss lost his job, throwing their whole hierarchy into chaos & competition to replace him. John was stressed for weeks. The company ended up splitting the dept & essentially eliminating John’s boss’s job. The new structure is awful, and John is always stressed, always working, even when he’s home with us. He works out of town 4 days/3 nights a week, but now ends up doing work stuff all the time when he’s home. The kids were having a hard time with it, and I was left refereeing all sorts of toddler squabbles as a result of their internalization of our stress.

Besides their typical bumps & bruises, the kids have been sick and/or teething, one after the other, making them irritable & unwilling/unable to sleep. I’ve been everything for them for weeks now, so that meant I wasn’t getting any sleep. I had to have an urgent root canal a few months ago, then it was redone about two months ago, and then it started getting worse because it had been cracked. So last Friday, I had to have it pulled. That’s been a blast.

My father-in-law was in the hospital for something gout-related a month or two ago. Then my mother-in-law was hospitalized for diverticulitis. Then they started trading illnesses.

Two weeks ago my older brother was arrested (nothing serious, just cumbersome). Bail hearings, attorney calls, court dates, scrambling, drama. All a pain in the ass.

Last week I found lumps — one in my left armpit, one in the bottom of my left breast, and a pain under my left ribcage. I dropped 5 pounds in the last week without trying. I have an appointment with my doctor in two weeks, as he felt that it would either resolve itself by then, or whatever was left would need to be investigated. I’m trying very very hard to convince myself that this is nothing.

Last Friday, John had a dental appointment to be checked for a dental night guard. The dental office couldn’t offer him the one he needed (for sleep apnea) but has referred him to an oral surgeon because they found a growth on his tongue. I smoked for 15 years before I got pregnant with JR (now 4). John smoked for 15 or so years too, up until JR was born. We’re both worried that we have something cancerous going on.

A few days ago, mother-in-law had her gallbladder removed. Today, we got a call that my mother-in-law was back in the hospital. Apparently, the surgeon nicked/severed her common bile duct. She was supposed to go into emergent surgery this afternoon, but they had to postpone it until tomorrow morning because there wasn’t an available anesthesiologist. She’s not doing so great right now, and John has been freaking out all day. I’ve been trying to give him space, since I lost my mother 3 years ago and remember that there weren’t words or actions that could get through the panic I felt. No one in his family will give him a straight answer about how serious the situation really is, so he’s taken matters into his own hands. He’s taken the week off work, and just left to get on a plane from Fairbanks, AK to San Antonio, TX. If all goes well, he’ll be coming home Saturday. If not, well, we haven’t wanted to talk about that.

Through all this, I’ve had clients needing work done. (I help design & maintain websites.) They’ve been marvelously patient with me, but I feel very guilty that I haven’t devoted enough time to them. Some days, all I want to do is tweak some code but can’t get to it, what with all the hats I wear. Other days, I just want to play with the yummy yarn I’ve gotten from Three Irish Girls and the backwards loop. I think tomorrow is a yarny day while I wait by the phone for updates about MIL.

So that’s a lot of whining from me, and I could really use a hug & a prayer. Thank you. <3

Randomness

My older sister is a cunt.  Her twins are white trash bitches.  All three of them are ridiculously unhappy.  I’m done with them all.  I’m kind of over being angry at them, as in I’m tired of it but not sure if I’m actually done yet.    I certainly haven’t talked to them in a good long while, and have no desire whatsoever to talk to them again anytime soon.  They keep telling me that I’m not family, so I’m trying to regard them as I would strangers or acquaintances; they have my pity, but whatev.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”  I’ve just about gotten there with my dad.  It’s refreshing.

Darrell got arrested again.  Jackass.  He sure seems like he’s trying to do life on the installment plan.  Hopefully this lawyer of his will get him another good deal.

I’ve sucked it up and accepted help.  John has put out a Craigslist ad, and I now have a housekeeper.  She deep cleaned the kitchen a few days ago, then came back today and deep cleaned the bathroom & kids room.  I wasn’t sure how happy I’d be having a stranger in my house, picking up after me and my family, but it’s actually a load off.   The kids get along with her, she’s not overly chatty, she works hard, so I’m comfortable having her in my home.  I’m glad that John is willing to get me a housekeeper.  That man of mine really does take such amazing care of me.

Life is pretty good.

Whew.

My friend K asked me why I felt so disconnected.  I pretty much blurted all this out, so I guess it needed to come out:

Perhaps I just have a general disconnect with people.  I’m really still in shock about my little sister, and ll sorts of fun emotional stuff is going on now that I’m talking to my other sisters (and biological brothers) again.  It’s got me reliving losing mama, and I feel so lonely and angry most of the time.  I actually think a LOT about a quote you posted a week or so ago, how forgiveness is finally accepting that the past could not have been different.  I’m really trying to make that come alive for me.  There’s a lot I’m angry about, and the resentment isn’t doing anyone else any good, but I haven’t grasped it to let it go yet.

I just spent two weeks in TX and Chicago, visiting John’s (normal) family.  His two sisters are older than us, and I felt more comfortable with them than with John’s old high school friends (whom we see every time we’re there).  The old high school friends of his have kids that are older, they still go out partying, some are having marital issues, and I feel like I have nothing in common with them.  But I don’t really ever socialize with anyone else up here, and the couple of friends I do have in Fbx are pretty flaky hippies that seriously can’t get it together for consistent playdates even.  And I look at my family, and all their freakin’ drama, and I get upset that they’ve dragged me back into it again.  It’s crazy; both of my (biological) little brothers were in jail when Melinda died.  They’re losers, but I feel obligated to be there for them since they don’t have anyone else.  Then there’s my older sister Sandee, who used to be close to me, turned into a psycho bitch that did f*d up things to mama and daddy, and I was happy to be rid of her until recently, when she started acting human again.  It has me wondering if I have my sister back or if she’s just luring me in to fuck me over later, and I hate thinking that about her, but I don’t trust her.  My little sister Tasha is content to stay in an abusive relationship, and the other twin Jessie is knocked up again by babydaddy #4.  I’m weirded out talking to my dad as often as I do because of what he did, but my son loves him so I feel obligated to keep him around for JR’s sake.  I feel like the most stable one in my family, and that’s an uncommon feeling.  I just need to get more sunshine, make a couple more friends, get some distance between me and my issues.

So.  Whew.

Happy New Year!

Day 3 of 30 Day Shred, done. I actually had to do it today before I went to sleep because I felt like I didn’t want to lose momentum or progress. If that ain’t new, I don’t know what is.

It’s a new damn year, so I’m going to peel back fifty layers of fat to reveal a new damn me. A better me is in here, and I just have to sweat the bitch out. 😉

There are a lot of other places I would have expected myself to be tonight, if you had asked me ten years ago. Actually, if I’d kept up the pace I was at ten years ago, I wouldn’t be here tonight.

I’m someplace better.

I’m a happily married mother of three. I’m sober, responsible, respectable, lovable. I’m awesome. I’m not just alive, but well on my way to thriving.

I’m happy.

And sleepy. Happy New Year!

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