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Vanishing

I never knew I could be this completely exhausted. I feel so low, so drained, hollowed out. I am so tired of complaining, of being lonely, of being in pain, of being unable. That’s it. I feel disabled.

It seems like every day that I discover at least one more thing that I can’t do, as a mother, as a housewife, as just myself. Every day something about me, about my abilities, gets whittled away.

I’m afraid I’m disappearing.

Ouch

Fuck fuck fuckitty ouch! That is all.

so many years

I prefer left-wing news
I like dark chocolate at night
I wear red lipstick and dresses
and sometimes I’ll pick a fight
I curl my hair and wear high heels
I go to sleep with a light on
I can cook seven course meals
I miss mama like crazy ’cause she’s gone
I can grow plants from seeds
I’m terribly frightened of stairs
I’m afraid that I’m sick
I’m more afraid that no one cares
I keep my hands busy with yarn
and my favorite season is fall
my heart races like a schoolgirl’s
every single time that you call
I have a picket fence and garage
I have three kids, a dog, and cat
I’m a strong loving mother
but I’m so much more than that
I’m creative and witty
I’m sarcastic and smart
I can be really mean
but I have a huge heart
I want to travel and write
I want to paint and to dance
I want to go to the beach
and be surprised by romance
I dreamed I burned dinner
and there was a scenic view
it’s been so many years
and I’m still dreaming of you.
so if, out on the street,
you’d just met me today,
would you choose me again?
or would you walk the other way?

30 Day Shred Jump Start

15 mins, complete. 1:48 am 12/30/2010. Totally should have started with this today, but now I know what I’m in for when I do Shred 1 tomorrow. Yikes.

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